


Did you become vegetarian before or after majoring in cannibal studies?

by Askell



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Crack, Bisexual Eren Yeager, Cannibalism, Character Study, Crack, Eren Yeager-centric, Gen, Humor, Implied Relationships, Multi, Nonbinary Eren Yeager, Not Serious, Weirdness, adhd eren, but eren doesn't notice, eren is chaotic, eren wears crocs, everyone is a supernatural creature, i guess??, not actual cannibalism but they talk about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29766162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askell/pseuds/Askell
Summary: "Do you think they will finance my research?"Armin eyed him suspiciously. "You're not eating human flesh, Eren." It sounded dangerously like a question. Eren smiled broadly. Yes, he was going to.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	Did you become vegetarian before or after majoring in cannibal studies?

**Author's Note:**

> This is pure crack, don't take it too seriously. I needed something short and stupid to get me back on the writing saddle, this is my only excuse lmao
> 
> Also thanks to Cordélia (@MxCordelia) and Sara (@Sarajamss) for making me laugh so much with their AOT headcanons on Tiktok, I don't think you will read this but I really want to write something for you both someday <3

Imagine a student dorm in all its bauhaus glory, tall concrete walls, primary color plywood panels and random vertical grates; a miracle of architecture which, unfortunately, didn’t account for the fact that people might need to open windows or charge their phones. Inside, you could find all sorts of stained furniture passed down to each new generation of students, plugs situated approximately 130cm above ground level, and a noisy fridge. 

The first floor’s color was a shade of pink which brought forth memories of regurgitated Spam. The second floor was graced with bright green linoleum. The third floor had yellow walls, but off-white bare flooring. Older students said there had been a murder and they never bothered to replace the tiles. And finally, the fifth floor was blue. And yellow. And green. And pink. Don’t ask where the fourth floor is.

Ignoring the grime they never bothered to swipe, Eren was browsing Netflix on his PC while sitting on the multicolored linoleum. He had to hold the device on his raised knees in order to keep it plugged to the wall. 

“You better not be watching anime,” warned Mikasa from where she was valiantly trying to pry the kettle open. It was a gift from the exchange students two dorms down the road, one they cherished dearly. Unfortunately none of them had bothered cleaning the limescale until it was too late. “You have 10 pages to hand over tomorrow.”

“‘Course not.”

“He’s watching Naruto,” piped in Armin. Another bright design idea the architects had was polished steel sheets as wall decoration. Which meant the little traitor could see his screen through the bumps and scratches. Eren took off his Crocs and threw it at his head. 

“Naruto is a fucking masterpiece and you guys are just haters. Besides I’m almost done.”

“We share a google doc, idiot. I can see your progress, which is none. Why did I even pair up with you, I should’ve gone with Sasha.” Mikasa abandoned her plans for instant coffee, defeated by the kettle.

“Please do, I can’t wait to hear her opinions on cannibalism.”

Unfortunately for everyone involved, their political science ethics teacher was obsessed with taboos and spent the better of the last two sessions ranting about the forbidden taste of human flesh. According to the syllabus they would be talking about ‘castration: kink or punishment?’ next. In the meantime they had to turn in an essay on whether or not it would be disrespectful to properly cook human flesh in a context where it was allowed but only in dire situations. 

Eren finished his parts a good fews minutes before the deadline, going as far as to add a few recipes for final flourish.

“Ducklings-” this is how Pr. Hange liked to call them. “- your works were stellar. I gave everyone an A, except Jean and Reiner. Darlings, the goal was not to say that cannibalism is bad but to say if it wasn’t, would it still be? Do you understand, duckies?”

“Yes,” said Reiner, looking like he absolutely did not.

“A few works I’d like to highlight are Levi and Sasha’s - _amazing_ description of eating people, it gave me chills! Feels like you’ve done it before! Great imagination skills. Also Eren and Mikasa, whose idea was it to add these recipes?”

The young woman turned such a nasty eye to her brother that he felt his life expectancy reduce by a few years. “It was Eren’s.”

“Incredible idea, it really adds something to the whole essay! Anyway, now we gotta talk about one of my favorite topics: dick chopping.”

Avoiding to be murdered at the young age of twenty-three, Eren scouted over to the other side of the bench. Unfortunately, that brought him closer to the guy who looked like Mikasa, had the same last name as Mikasa, would kick his ass just as much as Mikasa, but was absolutely not related to her. Levi looked at him with an open air of disgust. Nothing personal, that was just how his face was.

As usual, there was a transparent bottle full of bright red liquid on the table next to him. Whether it was juice or wine, many people were jealous of Levi. Most of them could not remember the last time they drank anything water-based this month. 

When class was over, Eren had made a choice.

“No,” firmly said Armin. 

“But-” 

“You’re not graduating in cannibal studies. I don’t care what Pr. Hange told you, they are clearly insane-”

“But tenured-”

“Still insane. Last week you wanted to become a marine biologist and the week before that an astronaut. How old are you, six?”

"Do you think they will finance my research?"

Armin eyed him suspiciously. "You're not eating human flesh, Eren." It sounded dangerously like a question. Eren smiled broadly. Yes, he was going to. 

"I have to try out the recipes in my assignment."

"If I believed in anything I would ask them to have mercy for your soul."

They were walking through the campus toward the convenience store. It was a nice afternoon to admire the weird mix of 70s utilitarian buildings and Victorian frat houses. As per usual, Armin wore a white button down complete with a sleeveless sweater and brown pants, looking like the protagonist of a vaguely homoerotic British movie about boarding schools. Next to him, long-haired Eren in a hawaiian shirt open on a crop top and cargo pants harbored peak lesbian fashion. Traffic cone earrings completed the look. 

“I'm six and a half, I’ll have you know. Besides I’m not the one graduating in cryptozoology.”

“Wow, a long word. Are you okay, do you need an aspirin?” Armin deadpanned. “It’s cryptology, but you know, when the FBI recruits me I’ll make sure to mention your Mothman theories.”

Eren was pushing the door of the convenience store open, saying he was a motherfucking genius he’ll have you know, when he met a proper wall of muscles headfirst. Fear flooded his veins.

“A titan-”

“Fuck’s sake Eren,” Armin groaned, before turning to the confused man. “Excuse him, he’s an imbecile.”

“No worries my little friend!” boomed the guy with a strong German accent, his enormous hands falling on each of their shoulders with the strength of an asteroid. 

It was hard to formulate a response when the guy’s pectorals were larger than Eren’s shoulders. He vaguely wondered if his man boobs were so heavy it caused him back problems. It must have. 

“Erwin, was ist-” came a voice from behind the giant. Levi turned around and it became very hard not to laugh. He looked so small. So precious. Like murder in a box.

The man wore SPF clothing as soon as the slightest ray of sunshine appeared, going as far as wearing a tinted visor and an UV-proof umbrella like the aunties at the local Chinese mahjong parlor. Today was no different.

“I just met these two chaps-” yelled Erwin, which was his normal voice level.

“Please don’t say chaps, you’re embarrassing.”

“-And I was wondering if they would be interested in coming to the party with us,” finished Erwin with a winning smile. Blonde, bright smile, larger than life… he would make such a perfect All Might cosplayer, Eren thought. Guessing what was going on in his friend’s mind, Armin crushed his Croc’s with his leather shoe. None of the other men noticed, Levi hissing that they were absolutely not inviting anyone else to the party.

“Hell yes!” said Eren, stepping on Armin’s shoe in weak retaliation. “When and where, my big friend?”

“Wunderbar!”

They exchanged numbers next to the fruit stall, two of them positively booming with manic energy, the other two looking like they were planning the murder of their friend. After exchanging goodbyes in approximately three languages and a half, Eren and Armin went back to their grocery shopping.

Noticing that his friend was oddly quiet while picking three different flavors of ramen, the blonde sighed and asked what was on his mind, expecting the worst. He was not disappointed.

“All this cannibalism talk made me hungry for that big man’s meat, if you catch my drift,” he smirked, wiggling his eyebrows. 

“Please, I actually beseech thee, stop talking.”

Eren’s sexuality was about as chaotic as his fashion sense and political ideas. One month he fawned all over cutesy little Historia, the next he drunkenly admitted ‘simping’ for their 70-years-old dean, Mr. Pixis. As far as the very long list of his crushes were concerned, Erwin was by far not the worst. The Kool-Aid man was. 

A few hours later they were heading to the Sigma Nu Kappa building, Mikasa in tow. Passing her off as Levi’s cousin had its advantages. Party-ready for the three of them meant the interesting combination of surfer-on-drugs, dark academia and the Matrix (1999). She insisted that this 90s hacker look suited her, though the neon space invaders pins Eren gave her looked seriously out of place. 

The SNK house was, for lack of a better description, a military fort turned into a baseball team headquarters. Amidst the old bronze plates were pictures of famous players and red lace panties hung on the exterior wall like a hunting trophy. Knowing the rampant sexism of frat houses, it probably was celebrated as such. 

Matching his not-relative in black leather and night-sunglasses, Levi was waiting by the door.

“Jaeger, what the fuck are you wearing?” was his greeting.

“It’s called fashion shawty, look it up.”

Mikasa was ready to break the upcoming fight when a blonde man with glasses and a beard passed his head through the window and invited them inside. If Levi and Mikasa were mysteriously not related, Zeke and Eren mysteriously were, despite looking nothing alike. The latter had forgotten his half-brother was the golden child of the baseball team and thus would be present at the party. 

Inside the building was what you would expect: drunk people, loud music, a stolen stop sign, Sasha holding a chicken. That last part would warrant investigation, if she didn’t eat it alive first. She had gained the respect of most of the frat houses when she survived chugging a gallon of gasoline, and was now their very honored guest at every event they organised. 

“Who’s this fine chick, Zekey?” asked a man with a far-right haircut, Porco. 

Eren was about to jump in to defend his sister when he realised the man was talking about him instead. Deepening his voice as much as he could without breaking, he gave Porco a once-over, a wink and said; “I’m Eren, hot stuff.”

Stumbling, frowning, the other man took a few seconds to formulate an answer. “Well- Uh. Your pronouns are valid, okay??” he yelled before fleeing the scene. 

“Poor thing, he’s probably reevaluating his life now,” chuckled Zeke. By the time he met his younger brother, Eren was already as confusing and ambiguous as humanly possible. “The eyeliner is a bit much though.”

“I have green eyes, yall should be dying of jealousy,” Eren retorted, sipping from a red cup he had somehow obtained in the short time he was walking through the common room. “Blue liner is the best way to show off these gems.”

“If you say so. Want to play beer pong?”

They played a few rounds, quickly joined by Marco and Connie, who shared classes with Eren during the first semester. Zeke was quickly forbidden to play because his aim was inhuman, so they all somehow ended up playing cards on the floor next to the oven in the downstairs bathroom. No one questioned why someone had made the effort of removing it from the kitchen, and replugging it there. It was warm, it was all that mattered. 

“Marco, why isn’t Jean with you by the way?” asked Connie, trying to figure out a way to give a few cards to someone without it being too noticeable. 

“Oh it’s, uh. It’s his time of the month,” the other man slurred.

“What- You don’t mean he’s…” 

“No! No no no, not that there would be an issue if he was, but he’s not.”

“I don’t follow,” Connie frowned, using the confusion to shamelessly cheat by placing the cards in Zeke’s deck, who did not notice.

“Seven of hearts, ‘have a good day’. And yeah what do you mean, Marco?” Armin said after playing.

“I’m not supposed to say… it’s the moon, you know.”

“Jean is a werewolf? Ha, that’s a good one,” Eren snorted inelegantly. 

“Don’t tell anyone!” cried Marco, shaking the other man by the shoulders, who kept laughing louder at his insistence. 

“Right, sure, if you don’t tell anyone Mikasa is an evil witch. Also you can’t play that one, take a penalty, bitch.”

Marco’s loud gasp was comedy gold to Eren’s ears. There were already rumors that she was a satanist and himself the incubus she had summoned for her evil deeds. It was flattering that people thought he was a top. 

As usual Armin won the game. No matter the amount of alcohol in his veins, his memory was always in pristine condition, contrary to the Jaeger brothers’. If only one thing united them, it was poor time management, shit memory and the ability to lose their belongings in illogical places. Getting a diagnosis was too expensive so they drank coffee instead.

After drinking to the health of the fallen (Marco) and the gone (Jean), Eren started walking around the house looking for Mikasa. She was probably giving the stink eye to her many pretendents while longingly sighing for whoever she had a crush on. Bets were raging but Eren couldn't figure out who she was interested in for all the money in the world. There was no doubt she was interested in someone, however, because he had read her diary. As any younger brother would. 

Diary was a broad word to describe the dark leatherbound book which she probably got from a flea market, by the looks of it. Its cover was embossed with plants and moon phases, it smelled like smoke and most of it wasn't even in English. He figured out that was a relica from her teenage goth phase, when she was really into that whole Satanism thing to annoy nearby adults. After flipping through many descriptions of how to summon a demon (or how to remove warts, beats him really), he had finally found a more recent entry titled Amor Aeternam. Not being a complete idiot, he guessed it was a love spell of some sorts. There was even a lock of dark brown hair taped to it. Creepy.

At least it meant she wasn't crushing on Armin, now that would be cringe. 

Following the sounds of manly cheers, he finally found her destroying Reiner at arm wrestle. The poor lad looked like he had shifted to an alternate reality. Eren crossed his arms over her shoulders and rested his chin on her head to piss her off.

"Having fun? Please tell me you bet money on this, I need a new tie."

"Stop that Eren," she said, trying to dislodge him. "You don't even wear ties."

"Psh you silly thing, who said I wear the ties I own? That would be idiotic of me."

Though he could not see her face, he knew she rolled her eyes hard enough to hurt herself in the process. Reiner was still muttering 'what the hell' very softly, looking at his hands in shock. The three were not exactly friends, but Eren had once spent a whole lecture sat on his lap because there were no free seats. It forges lifelong ties.

"Do you ever think before you speak, Jaeger?" came a supremely disdainful voice next to him. Oh, right. Levi standing up was the same size as him reclining on his sister. 

"No, he doesn't," groaned Mikasa, still pushing him away. 

"I'm being bullied." Eren wrapped himself around her as much as he could, knowing she hated when he did that. "Mikey, your cousin is verbally assaulting me."

"You're drunk, fuck off Eren."

"Oh wow. The whole Ackerman with an N and Ackermann with two Ns clan is going against me. Wow. I have no words-"

"Please excuse him," Mikasa said, finally giving up and accepting the bear hug. "He's drunk and stupid."

"Stupider than usual, or…?" 

Their eerily similar sour face contest was interrupted by a very naked, very German Erwin running through the room holding a baseball banner. It would have been hilarious if not for the impressive amount of scars covering him from head to toe, as if mapping the joints of his limbs. Levi sighed from the depths of his lungs, bottomed his glass and went jogging after him. Neither noticed they quite literally ran through Connie. No one ever noticed these days. Even Connie did not notice.

"Something's up with these two I swear."

"Nothing is up with them, Eren." Mikasa went up, her brother still clinging to her like a 23-years-old man sized koala. 

"No, I swear," he kept explaining as she walked him back to Armin, ignoring the stares. "Your not-cousin has got to be like super allergic to the sun, but he always spends all his time outside following Erwin around. That's sus."

"And that's none of your busine-"

"Are they gay? Like, for each other?"

"How would I know?"

"Well he's your cousin-"

She dropped him on the couch without a warning. Armin was staring off into space, ranting about how his people was sending him very important information and they should not bother him unless they wanted a large-scale invasion. Classic Armin, high as a kite. Next to him, a girl who might have been named Anna or Annie, with a killer stare and a hooked nose, was carefully noting down everything he said. Her notepad even had a funny FBI print, how quirky. Probably a classmate of his.

As the party raged on, people got more and more unhinged until they finally reached Eren's sober levels. At some point Marco ended up with an enormous dog sleeping on his lap, even though that was super-forbidden by dorm rules. It was adorable how he kept petting it and kissing its head, though. Sasha bit someone and they became really sick afterward, trying to bite other people and all. Maybe it's her, maybe it's ketamine.

All in all a normal evening at Maria State University.


End file.
